You can do so many things with them. Check your mail on the go. Enjoying who has done what on Facebook – with the person sitting next to you co-enjoying over your shoulder. The possibilities are endless.
Until that moment you sit on the train and vaguely hear some cheesy 70′s tune coming from the person sitting across the aisle.
And what sounds like a woman’s voice..?
… making some moaning noises…!?
You’re looking awfully intense at your teensy phone screen, sir…
Either he is looking at:
a Natural Geographic documentary on the mating behaviour of the sea cow
the Goolagong-Court Wimbledon final of 1971, or
porn…
Now that idea is slightly… awkward… at 6 pm, on a commuters train.
And just when I decide that I will just step up and ask him: Excuse me, sir. Are you watching porn by any chance!?
I remember…
I put my pink SuperMe outfit in the washer that morning.
So, I sink back into my seat.
Pull out my pink headphones instead.
And crank up the volume…
Some days my superpowers are simply not fully functional… must be my hormones.
I already mentioned that according to Cosmo I would have to kiss at least 22 (!?) guys. But I didn’t mention they predicted I will be cheated on about four times as well – dear me…
This means I have some serious catching up to do, especially on the cheating part.
I bumped into a little piece in one of the newspapers a while back. They had looked into it as a joke for an upcoming theater play on jealousy.
Turned out that of the people they asked more than half of the men and 39% of the women admitted to have cheated or to cheat occasionally.
At the same time, 95% was convinced that their significant other was no hound dog/bitch.
Side note: the only way I can make those statistics work is if the cheatees are almost all blissfully unaware of their loving, cheating counterparts, while the cheaters are all convinced that they will never be returned the favour they are giving themselves – meaning only 5% gets caught or fessed up.
That seems to make cheating a profitable endeavour with a low chance of failure. So how would you have to go about that?
The top 5 of things you need to do to cheat properly:
Develop an intimate, emotional bond – and no, that does not mean becoming BFF’s
Have intimate physical contact – ranging from sucking face to sucking lollipops (and beyond)
Lie about the time you spend with someone – the good old “I am working late, sweetheart, don’t wait up”
Send sexy or racy text messages, emails or chats – or all of them, why choose!?
Fall in love – i<3u4evahxoxo
So take your pick! And if you really wanna do the job extremely well, just do them all – better safe then sorry. And you might wanna throw in some random flirting too, as that is the runner up on #6.
Since the top 5 might be a bit too much to remember in the heat of the moment, you can simply summarise it as follows
If you wouldn’t do it when your partner’s in the room, then you probably can call it cheating – Dr. Phil
And of course, if you need to consult with yourself whether or not what you are doing is truly cheating, then it probably is. Just keep in mind: Would I want my lover to do this to me? → Yes/No → Proceed, you are on the right track.
Alright I am off to instruct my boyfriend – I was thinking of making a Powerpoint presentation…
… with a few back-up slides explaining graphically – visualising things always works best - what would happen if he would put these lessons into practice
… cuz then I soooo could have been Justin Bieber’s girlfriend* (or at least dream about it).
The way he sings about love… Boy, does he know what’s the deal, or what!?
What makes The Bieber the perfect boyfriend to me:
He likes scavenger hunts! – in a slightly modified way, but still…
He will give me my stuff back – ok, technically I have to go and get it, but at least he doesn’t throw it in the trash
He puts me first – and there will be no creeping around for other girls (or so he claims)
He buys me expensive chocolates – I love chocolates
He showers me with kisses – no need to take a bath ever again with a portable shower like that
He will give me flowers – we might have to work on the carnations though…
And most of all: he will give me a soft and fluffy puppy! – no girl can resist a puppy after all
… If only I was 12 again… then again, when I was 12 I knew s#!t about love and preferred to play with my Barbie dolls…
Kids. They grow up so fast nowadays…
* So, I did do a little background check (i.e. I googled) – I don’t want to look like an ass making some stupid mistake – and it turns out JB is not 12 years old. He in fact turned 18 yesterday – congrats! – and is now a big boy.
Sorry Biebs! I must be getting old, as I can’t properly judge the age of kids – excuse me, ‘young adults’ – anymore nowadays… plus I’m sure the utter lack of facial hair didn’t help. My bad! We cool…!?
“Have you ever found yourself attracted to someone, only to discover after kissing them for the first time that you were no longer interested?”
- Hughes et al., 2007 – 1
I’ve had good kissers.
I’ve had bad kissers.
I’ve had unwanted kissers.
And I’ve had kissers that ‘grew’ on me.
But I have not yet reached the magical number of 22.
… or at least according to Cosmo that is the amount of frogs you have to kiss to find Prince Charming (or Prince Adequate, whichever you prefer )
For the above study, 59% of the men answered yes, as well as did 66% of the women.
Now what is it about that whole First Kiss thing that can make or break the Love deal?
I’ve talked about the neurological-side of attraction – the looks, the smell. Turns out that lip-action is also part of the equation!
As with the other sense, it is all about mate-selection – finding the Right One. Together with smell, the act of kissing can help us collect information on the immune system. All that exchange of saliva requires some guts after all – who knows what you are sticking your tongue into?
If there is the necessary intensity – who doesn’t like passionate kisses!? – and the physical interaction/caressing (hopefully) accompanying it, a bond is created between the love birds.
Research has shown that only 14.6% of women are interested in sex if there has been no prior smooching – compared to 52.8% of men (why does this not surprise me?).
Now, my dear Princes, if you would like to seduce you Princess for a little game of tongue hockey, make sure you have good teeth! And ladies, Prince Charming prefers a pretty face over anything else – did I not tell you already he is a bit douchy Plus he prefers if you let him take the initiative and moan while he’s doing his thing – ok-ay…
Oh, and one funny detail: men apparently feel kissing should lead to sex more often than women, while women are less likely to kiss a man who is only after sex…
… ironic
1 Hughes et al. (2007), Sex Differences in Romantic Kissing Among College Students: An Evolutionary Perspective, Evol. Psych. 5(3): 612-631
A boy she could love. With all her heart. With all her mind.
But since this is not a Fairy Tale, that actually was not gonna be as simple as you can say ‘Knight in Shining Armour’.
Bummer
However, one day… The Tooth Fairy had left her a little gift underneath her pillow: a pink headband. And this was no ordinary headband, no sir – you know, two wisdom teeth are worth a little somethin’ somethin’ here. This was a Magic Headband. One you can use to sort out boys. Kinda like Hogwarts’ Sorting Hat… but cuter, and easier to pack in a purse.
The possibilities… boy oh boy oh boy!! (literally )
According to the instruction manual – always read the manual before you use new items – the Headband was able to distinguish between the four basic types of boys that existed in Love Land.
So Girl took the Headband with her wherever she went. Saturday night, bar hopping downtown. On the way to work, on the train. At the gym, on the treadmill [Hamster].
Whenever she would see a cute guy she would *plop* put the Magic Pink Headband onto his head.
And every time the Headband would tell her what she wanted to know: what kind of a guy she was dealing with.
This one is definitely not it. No matter how much I try to make a fit. Matchmaking is a form of art. And you two are simply too far apart.
Ok, that was clear. So no hard feelings, but… Hi… Bye!
The search went on and on.
He is only looking for a simple night of pleasure. So only accept if you’re up for that kind of leisure. He will never go home to meet your mum and dad. Then again he’s no BF material, so no need to be sad.
Oomph… Quite a few of those running around it appeared. Next!
Over hill, over dale. Through bush, through briar. Over park, over pale.
This is notthe Right Time, nor the Right Place. Feelings may be there, for which he doesn’t have the guts to face. He’s too afraid to want to commit. So give it up, as this is it.
Auch… but… but… but… It could have been so nice.
And what the…?? Why were there also so many of those!?
Girl had almost given up hope.
She silently wished boys were more like Ikea furniture.
That when you start looking for one they would come with a tag that explained their (dis)functions. That they would have a clear instruction manual. And names like Benno, or Harry, or Nils. But mainly that when they turned out to be defected, that you could simply return them for a fix or a replacement – with the receipt of course, and before the warranty would expire.
She didn’t want to look anymore. Just give up. It was too hard.
While enjoying a coffee at her favourite coffee place she tried the Headband one last time, on the boy sitting next to her. For good times sake.
If you give him a chance this might beThe One. Match made in Heaven, so this could be fun. In this risky business take some leaps. What could you gain? It could be heaps!
2011 in a Nut-Shell: lots of Break-Ups and Make-Ups… (as in new-made loves, not as in old ones fixed).
It seemed like a lot of relationships had their expiration date set to 2011. And at the same time, luckily many people found love as well. Yin and Yang – it is all balanced afterall…
But, back to the Break-Ups (yeah, I’m trying to keep the tone depressing here, too much cheerfulness never did anybody any good )
Breaking up is never easy. If it is after a few weeks, months or half a lifetime. Considering that you generally loose someone you care for. Most likely deeply care for – why else cry your eyes out, really!?
When you are on the I’ve-been-dumped-side, i.e. you’re The Dumpee, your friends may tell you: Well, that’s just his/her loss! – just to make you feel a little better.
And for a bit it might do that. Cuz let’s face it, The Dumper just lost someone, and something, great!
Or at least that’s how you see it, as: Wasn’t everything perfect between the two of you? … Wasn’t it…!?
I guess not…
So, it’s nice to hear Your Other Half has lost The World, but what about Your Loss?
You may feel like you have lost That One. That maybe you may never find anyone like this ever again, that you may never love again and some more dramatic thoughts involving the End-of-The-World-as-You-Know-It.
You may sob over the cruelty that has befallen you. Oh Lord, the Betrayal…
But at the end of the day, let’s reflect a little here.
Do you really mourn the person you lost? Or do you mourn losing the person you thought he/she was?
When you look at it critically… Isn’t what you really lost your dreams, your hopes, your wishes for the future?
All the things you projected onto this person? The things you hoped that would happen to you… preferably with this person. Except that this person stopped sharing those dreams…
But if it’s your hopes and dreams you mourn, then what’s stopping you from still having those? Only with a different co-lead!? One that gives you that Oscar-winning onscreen chemistry.
Yes, you will have to start from scratch, going through a stream of casting sessions again… but in the end…
… And The Oscar Goes To..!?
Let’s face it: Your Dumper has most likely already said his/her goodbyes a while back, without you really noticing (or maybe you did and just decided to pretend you didn’t notice – people love fooling themselves). But you don’t really want someone who doesn’t want you. Or do you?
(I know the answer right after being dumped is generally: YES! I do!… It will pass, for the better)
So you may feel lost for a while, but you will be found again.
Afterall, there is also a saying going like: One man’s loss is another man’s gain…
Why wait to change something till the first day of the new year when you can start today!?
So I don’t do New Years resolutions. Period.
I started to make my ‘resolutions’ already about 2.5 months before the end of last year. It pretty much started with the following words from one of my BFF’s: “When I’m back, I will make you do XYZ, or I will do it for you!”
And I simply figured: Crap… no getting out of this one for sure… grumble… So, what’s the point in waiting till she’s back!?
That was the point when I slowly started to yank life back on track. According to simple physics, it takes a certain amount of force to get an object to move – friction and all that - but once it’s moving… then al you gotta do is just keep it going. I just love momentum
So I pulled.
I broke into a sweat over it.
Things shifted.
I gained momentum.
And now I’m moving.
There is one thing though that I consciously started on the first day of this year: A Happiness Diary – or at least that’s what one of my friends calls it And he was glad to make one of the first entries (in fact he has taken up the challenge to make as many entries as possible this year – guys and their competition drive )
It follows the path I have already stepped on weeks ago and it’s really very simple: I have a small agenda, but instead of cluttering the days of the week with appointments I have decided to write down at least one thought, feeling or compliment that has made me feel happy that day. Not necessarily something Earth shattering, simple things will suffice as well – like the sun on my face when I step out the door in the morning, or someone saying I look nice today.
The idea is to be more conscious about the good things that happen. So that even when I have a craptastic day I still have to come up with that one good thing for that day, see the day’s silver lining – cuz let’s be honest there is always something positive! And at the same time I can remind myself of all the nice things that have already happened.
So that is my challenge for this year: one conscious, positive thought, every day, for a whole year.
Happiness will be my momentum
(Not the best song ever I admit, but I just like it plus it was the first song that I got when I typed ‘Happiness’ into YouTube. Eh, can’t be original all the time! )
They had started off on cold grounds. With bone-chilling arguments.
When the stinging Winter winds had subsided their hearts slowly started to warm again.
For Spring he took her to the city of love and passion. And in the warmth of the early spring sun they enjoyed each other and macaroons.
He told her he loved her, despite the rocky start. And she felt comforted by his words.
Their love heated and by Summer it was sizzling in the sun. They dreamed of things that could happen, expressed the wishes that had been buried deep in their hearts.
Then the inevitable happened, as they moved into the Autumn of their romance. Enjoying each others presence, while sitting at the beach in the late autumn sun.
And they were simply happy together… As happy as they had ever been with the two of them.
Yet things were about to change…
Promises made, became promises broken.
And now… now it’s cold again.
He will leave her.
It is time to go their separate ways.
He has his bags packed. Standing by the door.
She is glad though.
Glad he is leaving. He gave her nice times. He gave her heart ache…
But she also cannot deny that he taught her a lot. He showed her what she wants, really wants.
From life.
From love.
So thank you for that…
***
According to my Cosmo 2012 horoscope it is gonna be my year. The year I will find love…
So move over 2011, and hello 2012! They better be right, or else I might sue their ass for providing false information
A very happy, healthy, prosperous, warm and loving 2012 to you all! xx
Ever since we are young, girls moon over Prince Charming… that one perfect guy that gets our juices flowing – with his shiny hair, beautiful face and sparkling personality. We dream about him.
Finding Prince Charming.
Marrying Prince Charming.
And living the Happily Ever After.
But is Prince Charming really all that!? Let’s face it… The guy ain’t no poster boy for romance exactly, no matter what we have been told. All we need to do is look beyond the shiny wrapping.
I mean, he is a bit of a douche.
Always arriving at the scene at the end of the party – after the fact. Don’t let the girl mess things up, stumbling into danger on her lonesome self – only to charge in when it’s too late, just so you can show what you’ve got. Come on: zip up, put away the ruler and be a little more pro-active here, darling!
He’s working that Shot Gun Technique pretty well – chasing any kind of Princess-ass he can find. Add to that an unhealthy amount of indecisiveness, not being able to decide which princess he loves more… Just barking up any tree he sees.
Foremost, he targets a special crowd: the vulnerable ones, girl’s with Mommy Dearest-issues. Call it creativity – how different from the ones with the daddy-issues!
And though he likes classy broads, the ones that like to be treated like true princesses, he’s not too picky about his catches either. He has no problem taking advantage of the girls when they are asleep, if they have natural ‘specialties’ so what, and even kidnapping and holding hostage is not outside of his M.O.
It makes him a bit like a… a putañero… non? ¡Caramba…!
So, do we really want Prince Charming!?
(Just look at the smooth criminal… That’s how he charms his way! PS. Needless to say I secretly lovelovelove Sleeping Beauty )
Seriously?
Wait and see what I have for you instead.
Way better! Let me introduce to you [drums please... tadadada]: Prince Adequate!!
Never heard of!? Well, P.A. likes to stay out of the limelight. Not draw too much attention to himself. Some may say he is Charming’s lesser Brother.
But… look at it like this. Yes, he is not perfect – far from it (but neither are we ). Adequate is trying though. He does the best he can. While Charming can get any princess that he wants, Adequate has to make an effort.
He has to work to get and keep his princess. And that is where his charm lies. He has his flaws – some cute, some not so cute -, and he accepts yours. Adequate will love you for who you are, instead of who he wished you could be. To him you don’t have to be the Fairy Tale Princess Charming is looking for – the one that doesn’t cry, whine or has PMS.
Unlike Charming, he is probably not capable of making all your wishes come true. Then again, if he could, what’s there left to dreams about anyway? So, who cares if he can’t deliver you that treasured unicorn that farts glitter and shits rainbows – those get boring at a point anyway. Glitter is so hard to wash off…
And while he makes you a delicious pancake breakfast on Sunday morning, you probably don’t have to worry about where he has been last night. If he was busy rescuing another Damsel in Distress or rather hunting down the next princess.
So, what do you say, ladies. Let’s ditch Charming, hurray for Adequate!
PS. and if Adequate doesn’t strike your fancy… I hear there are still Seven Dwarfs somewhere that are looking for a maid
– sunglasses that is yay
